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So You Want to Be a Manager?

Chapter 2: The Detachable Penis

The detachable penis, you ask? Yes. The detachable penis. Not literally, of course, but as one of the most important metaphors1 in business.

The detachable penis is when your value, or self worth,2 can be separated from yourself and encapsulated in something outside yourself. While this is often done with the style of car one possesses, or the ability to succeed in a random sport or activity, it is essential that a manager be able to find his self worth in his position of power—though a nice car may help reinforce your superiority to the peons you control, and the higher the horsepower and lower the profile, the more manly you will seem. Cars with the same names as condom brands, guns, or horses are even better, if you can find them.

For many of you reading this, the concept of the detachable penis will not come as a revelation; managers have an innate understanding of how true value is achieved not through one’s relationships, or accomplishments, but through the perceptions of others. This is no different from the idea of market value, where goods have a value proportionate to their availability and desirability (supply and demand). Fortunately, while goods may be unable to climb that social ladder and achieve greater value on their own, managers are free to make appropriate social connections that will allow them to gain positive value, regardless of their personal habits, activities, or contributions.

However, rising to the top does not come without a cost; in order to successfully transition to this higher state of being, you may have to let go of the drudgery and responsibility of the common man: family, pets, anyone that can’t further your career, humanity, and compassion.3 Remember: the things you think you love are only distractions from your goals, and one true love: yourself. Only once you have achieved this personal cleansing will you be free to concentrate on your own success, and realize that power is your ultimate goal.

1 From the latin “meta” meaning higher-than, or better, and the greek “phorus” meaning bearer or carrier. Can be used a synonym for managers, who are clearly better than those they rule. In this context, its meaning is similar to instruction, or lesson (as from one manager to another).
2 Typically derived directly by penis size for men; women, of course, have no self worth (see any of the works of Frederich Nietzsche for reference).
3 This isn’t to say that you can’t be a manager and still retain some of these remnants; just don’t expect to get paid as well, and don’t anticipate spending potential working time on any of the listed distractions.

Still need a laugh? Why not check out some of the other articles from Laugh at the World?

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